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3 R's Question

    • 5 posts
    October 11, 2012 9:46 AM PDT

    So I am fully stuck on Resentment and Resistance in regards to my 18 year old stap daughter.  I have managed to not go into Revenge, but I am having trouble getting out of the other 2.


    I realize that I cannot change her, only she can change, but her current course of behavior has my stuck in my 2R's and she is not inclined to change and her consistant reply is that I "just don't understand" but my request for her to talk and explain it to me is met with silence.


    Aside from just letting everything she does that angers me and makes things more difficult for me, what steps can I take to get out of the 2R's?


    I have tried reaching out and talking to her, but she puts up a wall. 

  • October 13, 2012 8:08 PM PDT

    Hi Robert- Nice to meet you. I am a PM instructor. Quick question. Have you been to ALS yet? If you have, I'll refer you to an ALS instructor, if not, I'd be happy to support you. Look forward to hearing from you. Tom

    This post was edited by Deleted Member at October 13, 2012 8:12 PM PDT
    • 0 posts
    October 14, 2012 10:18 AM PDT

    Hi Robert,


    I just saw your posting and thought I'd share a response.  Because I'm am only seening your one sided view here I could be completely off base but here goes.


    It seems to me that you both are in the 3R's.  It may seem it is all one sided from your point of view but there are always two points of view.  Have you made any attempt to see things as she might see them?  You know this stuff but emotion tends to put up walls for us, RESISTANCE/RESENTMENT.


    The other notice in your writing is that you are NOT grounded and centered when you are in her space so likely you are getting pulled into that energy.  If you goal is to pursuade her to choose  differntly your energy must be one of drawing in versus repelling.


    Finally, at some level you are in the 3rd Rs.  It may not look like taking full out reprisal but what of your thoughts when you are with your daughter?  What of your words, tone, inflection and true meaning behind your words.  If you language (audible) is incongruent with your with your body language what do you believe she will pick up on?  Obviously if she isn't already listening to your words she is paying attention to your body language.  Remember the BE WITH listening exerise from PM?  That is the third way of litening and it happens when you are in ground and center.


    Robert, teens are searching for themselves.  They are too old to be children and possibly too young to be adults.  Couple that with all the hormonal changes taking place and they are completely confused.  Love her where she's at.  Becasue at this time in her life she may not be loving heself very much and your intersession of love could really support her.


    I look forward to seeing you Phoenix at our next time in the dojo with Terros.


    In Friendship,


    John Edwards

    • 5 posts
    October 15, 2012 8:03 AM PDT
    Thank you for your advice John. I have been trying very hard with this one. I have been trying to see her side, but she puts up a wall when I ask questions or ask her to clarify what she means.

    I will of course keep working on it.

    In gratitude,

    • 5 posts
    October 15, 2012 8:05 AM PDT
    Hi Tom, yes I am an ALS Grad. John was one of my facilitators.
    • 2 posts
    October 22, 2012 7:36 PM PDT
    Hey Robert,

    In my experience, Klemmer speak can really turn someone off quick, they just don't understand. So, I caution you not to go their unless she has attended, with joy, a Klemmer experience.
    Keep in mind also, that the only person you can change is you. Believe me once you get that fact in your head your life will be less stressful.
    Your step daughter is testing her boundaries, I am sure that you have set some guide lines and rules for her, Your job is to make sure she follows them by being consistent with her consequences. You are being tested everyday, your rules, your love, your support, etc. She is challenging you to fail her so whatever you do stay strong and consistent. You are her foundation. She is watching your reactions, watching the way you are living, the way you are loving, the way you are 'dealing with her" you are teaching her by your actions more than any words ever will. You can do this. She will love you for it. As for the choices she is making, as long as she is following your rules and not breaking any laws, they are hers to make. It's hard to watch, I know. I have two kids of my own. Stay strong, ground and center and take deep breaths.
    My 2 cents worth.
    • 5 posts
    October 23, 2012 9:59 AM PDT
    Thanks. I never use Klemmer terms with people that have not been. I use them here for ease.
    • 2 posts
    October 24, 2012 5:49 AM PDT
    Sorry, My bad, When I first went through the Klemmer work, I was guilty. I did not mean to offend you. Have a great day.
    • 5 posts
    October 24, 2012 7:57 AM PDT
    Nope, no worries
    • 1 posts
    November 1, 2012 5:12 PM PDT
    Hi Robert,
    These posts have brought up some thoughts... and I thought I'd share them with you since we all have the privilege of being "teachers in the moment."
    I'm wondering if you spend time with you daughter just "being with" her... such as taking her out to a restaurant or going some place you can spend some time together without any ulterior motives... just a place to explore something together.
    I am a Mother to 6 children and our youngest is 17. His name is Mark...
    An amazing young man with a lot of potential... and also a controller!! This presents many challenges and at times I've found myself butting heads with him and have the battlefields to prove it!!
    I realized awhile back there had to be a better way!! So... I started spending time with him in a different way. I asked him how his day was at school, watched a few movies with him, got him in the car where he seems to open up and talk more freely. The dynamics in our relationship have totally changed. There are still times when he tries to push my buttons... but I know who he really is underneath all that gruff, controlling exterior and that has made all the difference.
    It's almost like I'm holding the space for what he really wants to be and is figuring out who and what he really is... and it is a good place.
    It has seemed with each of our children there came a time when they had to spread their wings and fly... and the best way I have found to do this is to bless them and release them. They will know when you love unconditionally... and when love doesn't have to look a certain way or fit into our box!
    Another thing I discovered as a Mother is that I had to let go of my "Mother Bear" instincts as they grew older and be okay with them making mistakes. (I really don't think anything is a mistake per say... just an opportunity to learn!) As a Mother/Father it is a challenge to let our children explore and discover who they are.... perhaps because our fear is what keeps holding them back?!!!
    So... this is getting rather lengthy... just some thoughts that came to me as I thought about what you shared. I pray it blesses you today as you learn together with your daughter what it looks like to have an adult relationship. Love from, ~Susan, Sam Camp 12
  • November 2, 2012 1:46 PM PDT
    Robert Mason said:
    Hi Tom, yes I am an ALS Grad. John was one of my facilitators.

    Glad to hear it and glad John was able to support you. Be persistant and operate from love and compassion. Be well.

    • 1 posts
    April 4, 2013 9:21 AM PDT

    I found myself in a similar position with my 16YO.  Intention + Mechanism = Result.  Clarified my intention: to have a close, loving relationship with my 16YO and boost her self esteem.  Mechanism occured to me one day, so that night I wrote down everything she'd done right that day, all the positive things I'd noticed.  I handed it to her, and she loved it.  So I've kept on doing it.  Yes, I miss some days, but generally I do it every day, with spectacular results.  One day she said to me, Gee, I felt like a total screw-up today.  Yes, she'd made mistakes that day, but they were insignificant compared with the positive things she'd done. If I hadn't written the note that day, she'd haave gone to bed feeling like a screw-up. And writing this summary keeps me in a place of appreciation and recognition of the positives I see in her.  It benefits both of us.


    Physically writing a  note has magical powers.  Boost your intention and your situation will change.  Best wishes.


    This post was edited by Lisa Chambers at April 4, 2013 9:23 AM PDT